Because PETA wasn’t Slightly Insane Already

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Look, peeps. I’m all for the ethical treatment of animals. I know I said I beat my dog once in these here pages but lets face it, my dog lives like a king. He hasn’t worked a day in his life. He gets decent food served up to him at will. I got him a girlfriend. He sleeps all day. It’s temperature controlled in the casa. This doggie’s not complainin’.

But the folks involved in PETA have always had a screw loose. See, my dog is not a human. He is my property. He has no soul. When my dog gets sick, I say “we’ll wait it out”. Sore on his leg? He’s a dog. He’ll get over it. My dog got hit by a huge truck once. I gasped in fear but he got up and ran home. When I arrived just minutes after he did I immediately began calling him names for running away. (I later begrudgingly took him to the Vet. See, I’m a great pet owner.) My guess is that the vast majority of people who support PETA (unequivocally, that is–not just a little bit like I do vis a vis my first paragraph) don’t have children. ‘Cause once you have kids, you realize how animal-like your animals are, even if you thought they were your “kids” before. Because animals aren’t humans. They’re animals. And we know the difference because if we applied the same standards we have for dealing with our pets to our kids we’d all be abusive parents.

“What’s that Jimmy? You’ve got a sore throat? Suck it up. I made it and so can you.”

“Is that an open wound on your leg little Sally? Deal with it you woos.”

It’s not even worth mentioning what I would do if one of my kids got hit by a car, even if it was just a slight brush like happened with my dog. I’d scream in fear and run after my child and cry like crazy. Once I found out they were okay, then I’d pull the driver out of the car and beat him or her senseless.

So when I read the following, I realized that PETA has officially crossed the line from “quirky” to “insane”:

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is asking the ice cream maker to begin using breast milk in its products instead of cow’s milk, saying it would reduce the suffering of cows and calves and give ice cream lovers a healthier product.

Go ahead and read the full article here.

So the idea here is that for thousands of years we, as a society, have been enjoying the milk of beasts but thankfully for us, in the year 2008, PETA has finally opened our eyes to how cruel it is that we would milk a cow. (Which of course is completely absurd in and of itself. I’ve watched the Discovery Channel & Animal Planet. It doesn’t hurt the cow. In fact, modern pumping systems are like cow massages, and they get an udder cleaning before and after. It’s quite advanced.) So rather than be cruel to cows, PETA has proposed a new solution: lets strap women up to the machines instead.

I wonder how a breast-feeding mother would respond if you stopped her in the mall and asked if you could grab a pint to take home with you so you could mix up some home-made ice cream?

I’m guessing that the same people supporting the Feminist Movement are not also on the board of PETA. I’m pretty sure as a Feminist you couldn’t support a motion to replace cows with breast-feeding women. I mean, pregnancy-fat jokes aside, this is just horrific in any number of ways.

So thank you, PETA, for proving what we already suspected: that you are, in fact, insane.